The ...Dot, Dot, Dot Experience

Sometimes we don't get to pick what happens in our days. Wait- we never really get to pick since we only know the moment we are in. I have had what I call the ...  (dot, dot, dot) experience of my life as my son has not been feeling well for about 5 days. My ... experience has included kisses on the forehead to take his temp, fluffing pillows, drawing a bath, snuggle bugging on the couch and checking in to see how I can serve him.

I realized this blessing in the midst of having "a plan" that got dissed when I woke up this morning. The plan was to clean the house, do laundry and generally get things back in order after a weekend of guests. I still feel compelled to try and get it done but I know that my pull to over-function is my way of managing anxiety. I have the opportunity to serve and be still and when I do it, it is one of my greatest joys.

There will always be something competing for our attention- the phone that rings, the dryer that dings the dogs that bark. In the quiet still of unexpected moments, we get to decide the ...

Home in My Heart

There is something so sweet
being known
a gentle breeze without a home

It creeps up in the still of the night
realizing there is nothing to fight

Shadow self gets to rest
and be in peace
despite the guest

Love so deeply without a fear
a juxtaposition rarely dear

Fighting for a place to be
wiggling in my skin to see-
what will be
and
what I am
deep within this desperate land

A place to hide
in cuddled arms
feeling her peace with little harm

Memories move me far from space
a gentle side of this life in race

I sink into my little girl
sitting quietly while I wait...

hoping my entry is not too late

When I Grow Old

When I grow old I want to be remembered for.........

living life out loud, going broke from fun, spontaneous trips to see old friends, phone calls when you needed it, picnics on Fridays, bringing people to Christ, laughing, loving deeply, making good food, giving cards when you least expect it, making a difference in my community, listening, teaching people how to communicate, never criticizing, loving my kids for who they are meant to be, having a great marriage, showing up, being trustworthy, speaking my truth in love, getting better vs. older, being wise, working hard, never giving up, being willing to learn, making eye contact, stopping to revel in nature, feeding birds, not swearing, talking to strangers, helping animals, being intuitive, having a home instead of a house, thriving instead of surviving, serving at church, being a great daughter, stopping to pick up trash, having wrinkles from smiling too much, being myself, loving myself and sharing myself!

Shadow Self

There is a shadow side of self. Often tucked deep inside only to be revealed when we are down, vulnerable, ashamed or broken. It is the part that shows its true colors when we least expect it. It's the part we want to avoid sharing with others, but in truth, we must.

We must have a partner, friend and a relationship with God to manage the battle inside. In reflecting on how the shadow side operates it comes as a sneak attack when you least expect it. It's when you think everything in your relationship is hunky dory and then you realize that deep inside you are lacking the true ability to love and be loved.

It's an emptiness that cannot be filled by people, places or things. It's a place that only God can fill.

Several times in my relationship I have come across this deep despair where I find myself looking for my spouse to fulfill my needs. Each time I pursue this endless endeavor I am reminded that he was not designed to fulfill my needs.

Today I was reading "Jesus Calling" and of course, in true God form the message hit me square between the eyes. I knew that I couldn't fix my eyes on my self or my husband and intellectually I knew it was spiritual. The thing I didn't know was how to get to the center and once I got there I wasn't sure what I was looking for.

It learned that it comes down to 2 words - Trust and thankfulness. Trust is a choice. One we have to make thousands of times a day. The problem is that we are usually trying to trust ourselves or someone else. This kind of trust that I am talking about is believing that the answers that I have pale in comparison to what God has in store for me. It is trusting that His love for me is enough and that He will provide me with what I need to love others.

Thankfulness or gratitude is about focusing on what we have more than what we don't. It reduces our mind time in the negative and moves us to the positive. It forces the shadow self to be quiet!

Today I am going to stop taking my own advice of thinking that if I try hard enough I will have what it takes to be good enough. I am going to try and live in the center, where peace reigns.

Apology Accepted

Have you ever woke up with that icky feeling in your gut knowing that you need to apologize to someone? That has happened to me twice this week and it has given me a reason to ponder on why we apologize and what it means when we do.

At the core it is about humility and being able to admit when we are wrong. It shifts responsibility from the one who has been offended to the person who committed the offense. Kind of like leveling the playing field and getting the relationship back to base.

Most of the time we need to apologize because we "acted, thought and then stopped" versus "stop, think and act". Under both circumstances this week if I had thought first I would not have chosen to speak or act.

Someone very dear to me recently said that she has never had to apologize to her mate. The thought of this made me quiver inside. I know her heart and that she is the type that would apologize so the question of "why not" begged for a reason.

I think the main difference between people as it relates to apologies has to do with our view on it. Like forgiveness, apologies are a gift that we give ourselves. It allows us the opportunity to review our intentions and straighten up what is ruffled.

Those who do not say they are sorry either haven't been taught, lack insight into their own wrong doing or God forbid are narcissist. I believe most everyone has good intentions so perhaps just reflecting on our part of the equation is all that it requires when we differ.

To be sorry is not a weakness. In fact, saying "I am sorry" is a strength. It is necessary in all love relationships and without it our hearts would remain broken. Sorry is a powerful word and it should not be spoken without thought, first.

Many people use the word "sorry" like "hello". A common term or one that is used inadvertently out of habit. I am sorry is a gift that should be opened often. It is a form of communication that bridges the gap when we are at odds, it provides insight into another persons heart and it allows us to start all over again.

One of the hardest things to do is to admit we are wrong. It makes us feel vulnerable and perhaps weak. If we were to turn it inside out and view apology as necessary, I wonder where it would get us?

Freedom is the word that comes to mind. It gives us freedom to be real. Freedom to be wrong. Freedom to be you. Freedom to be me and still loved.

The opportunity lies in accepting the apology that you offered, once given. You have to let it go even if the other person doesn't accept your apology or remains wounded. Typically, this is because there is something leftover that needs to be healed, but nonetheless, an apology is the best place to start.

The best way to discern if you need to offer an apology is to identify the feeling that usually resides in your gut, head or heart. For me it is an "icky" feeling that causes me to listen to the chatter in my head, where I replay the offense over and over again. Once I am able to identify my part in the equation of how and why the offense happened I can then decide what to do about it.

The best apology comes person to person but if the timing is more important than the place, then a nice note or email is second best. Admitting that we are wrong upfront allows each of us to take a deep breath and move from where we are, to where we want to go. It also gives the one who has been offended the opportunity to give the gift back. Acceptance.

Once we have shared our heart then we can move on. We can reflect on how to avoid the pitfall in the future and take the learning as an opportunity for personal growth. Slip-ups happen. We are all human. The difference is whether or not we admit it.

Choose love first and we all win! Happy Valentine's Day!

Change is Inevitable

I just attended a Grand Traverse Woman network lunch and I had the pleasure of hearing Anne Bonney (http://www.annebonney.com/) speak about change. Her thoughts and input were spot on!

It made me reflect on how change can be interpreted differently and it sparked a thought about how we can do it well.

First and foremost, we have to accept that change is inevitable. Secondly, we will never truly be comfortable with change.

Most days we get up on the same side of the bed and follow a daily routine. There are those days where everything gets turned upside down and it is usually the result of change. Perhaps a change in family status- you're pregnant. A change in job status- you're fired. A change in your health.

One way or another there is a moment that we all have to face change and the difference between us is whether or not we embrace the change ahead of us. If we are prone to anxiety this could potentially be paralyzing and cause us to sit in a stupor. We might not choose change but it will choose you.

If we have a bend toward adventure, change can be exciting, illuminating almost like a thrill ride, say a bungie jump. The thing is we don't realize what we are getting ourselves into, until we jump.

So how do we marry fear and joy all under the umbrella of change? I would say one step at a time.

Don't get so far ahead of yourself that you miss the moment - stay presently focused.

Remember your previous success and how you moved through change historically and how you can recognize the emotion of fear that eventually led to victory.

Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You are unique and your story is just as important. Invalidation of ourselves is a game changer and it will never lead to soul peace.

Do your homework. Don't assume you know how to do something just because you have done it before. Ask questions. Talk to someone who has gone before you. Accept that you won't be perfect.

Facilitate change because it is what you are being called to do. Even when it is scary, the road ahead can be mastered. Nothing worth pursuing ever came easy.

In my life journey the times that I have had the biggest challenge in front of me were the times that I actually grew the most. I am sure there have been times when my decisions seemed wrong to others, but nonetheless they were mine.

We grow from experience and we learn through change and that risk is inevitable. If we want to experience more abundance in our relationships we have to go through the eye of the hurricane. If we want to get promoted to that next level in our jobs we have to pretend we know more than we actually do. If we want to live life out loud we have to get off of the couch and move toward something.

Change is actionable. Change is risky. Change is inevitable. Embrace it!

Commonly Misunderstood

As a woman living in a home with 3 males to include one adult (my hubby) and two rising teens (my sons age 13 and 16) I am astutely aware of the differences between males and females.

Let's just start with movies - romantic comedies vs. action. Or how about topics of conversation - feelings and cars. Or how about sex vs. intimacy.

Well, I need not tell you that we were not created equally and yet we must have been designed  to bring out the best in one another. I am not convinced that we should live together but I am convinced that God brought us together to keep us on our knees.

I have often joked that God must have been kidding when He put men and women in the same four walls and that it was His way of making sure that we depend on Him for our needs to be met, instead of each other.

My best friend and I sometimes joke that if it weren't for the fact that we aren't attracted to one another that we should be married. We negotiated that we should have a giant house with a family room and master suite in the middle to get together with our spouses when the moment is right. Aside from that, the bathroom and kitchen are our game and they would always be clean.

Just tonight I introduced my family to Brene' Brown on Ted X and the topic of Vulnerability. They obliged and listened attentively, well, until they got up, but none the less they were available to be with me. That was followed by each of us picking an artist and lyrics to sing - karaoke style.  My youngest picked David Bowie as he is the latest phenomenon since passing and I picked Sarah McLaughlin "Push" and "Answer" which are two songs that resonated with me while traveling in Zambia. My oldest picked a song that had a lot to do with saying "no" instead of "yes"  - teenager? I think yes...

In each of these songs there was a message about how we need each other and how we interpret our roles and relationships differently. I am convinced that we will never figure each other out and yet there seems to be a level of acceptance in this notion.

I think I will just keep getting girl dogs and pretending to be understood by my awesome men!

Contrast

One is go

One is slow

Each one beautiful, in its own right.

Same town,
different place.

One
suggests,
it's not a race.

Forgiveness, I think?

Is forgiveness a universal term no matter what you believe about faith? Is it something that even my dog understands after he has done something wrong and I affirm him by the look in my eyes?  Is it up to the person who offers forgiveness or the one who receives it that needs to move on once it is given? Or is it both?

What is it? Is it just simply that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and so we are forgiven? Is it grace woven in so that we can actually forgive ourselves? Is it a choice, a decision? Is it a gift that we give ourselves in addition to offering it to others?  Is it possible to understand forgiveness, if you do not walk by faith?

The answer is yes, I think.

Let's dive in to each of these to see what shakes out.

1) What is it? According to Webster here goes the simple definition of forgiveness...

- to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong)
- to stop feeling anger about something
- to stop requiring payment

2) Is it just simply that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and so we are forgiven?  In "The Message Bible there are a bazillion pieces of scripture around forgiveness and grace but I chose this one as I think it lends itself to what we are uncovering today. This comes from Romans 3: 23-24.

God Has Set Things Right

"Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ."

3) Is it grace woven in so that we can actually forgive ourselves? The grace part comes from understanding that it is a "pure gift". 

4) Is it a choice, a decision? Yes. Yes and Yes. Action follows thought. If we don't think it first, we can't do it.

5) Is it a gift that we give ourselves in addition to offering it to others? Every time we choose to forgive we are actually taking the weight off of our shoulders and shifting it to God. We relinquish control. We decide that we can no longer carry it on our own and therefore, we are giving ourselves a gift of freedom.

6) Is it possible to understand forgiveness, if you do not walk by faith? I don't know if we can fully understand forgiveness, whether we walk by faith or not. It is a pretty huge concept and I imagine some of the scholars get it more than we do. I guess it comes down to practice when it comes down to actually receiving forgiveness.  If we do not walk by faith I think we can still do it and hopefully allow God to use the circumstances to draw us closer to Him.

I am working with a couple right now and they don't have a relationship with Christ but they get the concept of forgiveness and they sure need it right now. I can see that they are in desperate pain and that shy of forgiveness it will be difficult for them to move on.

The point of forgiveness has to be based on moving from where we are now to something bigger, something better and something that we cannot do on our own. Almost magical. When we reflect on the times in our lives where pain was at the center it is usually forgiveness or grace that got us through. In one of my most painful times of life I had a looming issue that I was sure was unforgivable. I held it for years.

One day in the midst of a church service where we were singing,  something miraculous happened. I imagined Jesus standing at the cross just waiting on me. I fought him, in that I kept wanting to take back my shame, hang on to it, not let it go. But I had to. It was a weight around my neck. Something that I had held and carried for almost 20 years. Something I never thought I could let go of. And then it happened. After the struggle, I actually saw myself lay my shame at the foot of the cross. I laid down all of the thoughts, lies and ridicule that I had carried for so many years. I released what wasn't mine to carry. I had received forgiveness.

We have all made mistakes. We have all wished we could have a do over in our relationships. We have all been forgiven.


Here is an exercise that helps us all on our forgiveness journey.

Write a letter(s) as follows. Don't worry about mailing it. Just write. Then decide to share it or destroy or tuck it away for another day to decide.
Dear  x, I forgive you for.....
Dear self, I forgive myself for....
Dear God, Please forgive me for....

•  
•  
•  
•  
• 
  

Learning Through Disappointment

Disappointment can teach us something that success can't. It reminds us that we are human and that loss is real. It provides contrast to an otherwise ordinary day. It gives us context to show us that hard work can pay off and that good things come to those who wait.

The perspective of loss is probably the hardest part, not the actual loss itself. When we are brave and risk getting out of our comfort zone we often have to face failure. This is where the rubber hits the road. If we are not afraid to fail then we will never be afraid to try.

Perhaps this is where "survival of the fittest" kicks in. Everyone of us has failed but many have not stopped to learn the lesson from the loss. I have had anxiety over not being able to finish a task and at times this has caused me to over-function. It is almost like I write a script where I feel like I will get everything finished, except the thing that matters the most. For example, I have never been a runner but it would be like doing a marathon and quitting at mile 25. 

I realize this dates back to a work scenario over 24 years ago where while working on a project, I took a break to visit with my "crush" - now my husband to help him hang pictures in his new office. When my boss found out that I was "lolly gagging" it was as if everything that had gone before me was meaningless. All of the hard work that I had put in to completing this very laborious project was lost in the last moments of me taking a break. I felt like a failure.

This script is something that I have carried with me and it seems to rear its ugly head when I doubt myself. I was reminded of this today when I spoke to a friend who is trying to get on TedX to do a Ted Talk on being a comedian. Her topic is one that we can all relate to and yet she was met with disappointment. The message she was hoping to convey was about bravery, public speaking and being willing to go out on a limb. Her message was about pursuing your dreams and not being afraid to live out loud.

As I tried to provide empathy in her loss, I realized that learning truly does come through the disappointment. It is about stretching out more and being willing to rush the stage. It is about not stopping at "no" and being willing to go through the back door to get our needs met. 

I have only felt defeated a few times in my life and I think that is mostly due in part to not being afraid to try new things. Even when I don't hit the ball out of the park, I am still glad that I tried.  I owe this in part to my parents who never doubted that I could do anything. They failed to mention that failure  was a possibility. As a result, I never feared trying.

I wonder if all of the people that came before us who did or created great things learned from failure - my guess is yes. I perceive the opportunity is in the thinking. If we believe that effort equates to success we may be less inclined to worry about the outcome. Perhaps risk-taking and daring to believe that "we can" should be the goal, instead of the perceived outcome. 

The Small Door

In raising children there is a small sliver of time where we actually can penetrate their hearts and minds for the better. There is a diminishing opportunity every day as they age. Look closely as you search for the small door.......................................................................................................................

Topically, I am aware of this truth as I just had the pleasure of teaching ten 4 and 5 year olds this morning at church. Their minds were fiesty and alive - seeking, wondering, enveloping and pursuing what they hadn't already learned.

This was in stark contrast to a young teen man who had already made up his mind last night not to attend church this morning. I am guessing that this is because he has only had the world's view of faith. Nothing real. Not relationship based. Just religion.

As parents we owe it to our kids to teach them about things that matter like manners, chivalry, being open to differing opinions, respect, honor and what is means to be God fearing.

God fearing sounds so negative so let me clarify. What I mean is that we keep things in perspective. That it is not about us. That we appreciate and accept that there is more to life than getting our own needs met. That there is a purpose on this earth for each and every person that breathes life, beyond what we can imagine ourselves.

The only way that our kids are going to miss the difference between "race" and "people" is through modeling. Certainly this will not be accomplished by what they see on television or hear in the media. This is true of politics as well. Imagine if our kids only had CNN or Fox News to learn about leadership.

There is a fine line as a parent to allow your children to learn through the consequences and preparing them to face the consequences. I am always amazed when I am counseling adolescents and their parents are aggravated that they don't clean up their rooms only to find out that they were never expected to do so as a young child. Kids are less amenable the older they get.

We want to raise our children to be independent thinkers and yet it is our duty to expose them to what is true. So where do we get this information?

First, I look to people who have gone before me when it comes to parenting and see what they have yielded. I remember watching our friends Rick and Rita parent their 5 children all who are older than ours. I was amazed that her young boys were retaining their kindness and respect as they grew into young men. I realized early on it was because the expectation was set and from their perspective there was no alternative behavior.

I also learned that the respect was mutual and that they didn't have a holier than though attitude that they wielded over their children. They admitted mistakes, walked humbly and had Christ at the center.

I also have looked to tried and true methods starting with good parenting plans like Choice Theory and Love and Logic. Both methods of parenting provided a road map for my husband and I to operate from when we realized that the doctor had not sent home an instruction manual when we brought our boys home from the hospital. Well, I do remember her telling me not to finish my kids mac n' cheese to fend off losing the baby weight - that was good advice.

Modeling is such a big hairy deal! Everything we do our kids will either do or remember. So take going to church for example, when they are young isn't it up to us to get out of bed and get cute clothes on for church and make our way to hear about news that we can use? Today while I was teaching the kids in their small group the sermon was on building our house on rock versus sand. I can tell you that this will be one podcast that I will be listening to over a glass of wine or coffee before tomorrow morning.

We all quest for what is good but what about what is right and true? No matter what your religion the basic tenets of moral values run through most faith sectors. Shouldn't we give our kids a fighting chance to see what we have learned or teach them what is available if we haven't?

Personally, I am not comfortable in an overly charismatic environment or one where people are pushing me to believe in "their" perspective. I want something a bit more solid and I certainly am not going to put my keys in the offering plate because some man at the altar says that God wants me to. I do however want my kids to know that there are false prophets out there and many people will act like god but have no business representing Him.

As a parent I am obligated to vet out what is being taught and I am convinced that while well intentioned not all people have the right motives in mind. So, how do we know?

Listen, listen and listen. If it doesn't sound right then it probably isn't. Ask, ask and ask again. Find out what your kids are being taught at school or church and teach them to question or confront something if it isn't right. Make sure that you as a parent are creating an environment where they are not afraid to be wrong and they are willing to risk exploring their ideas.

I am taking a laugh break right now because this one came back to bite me when my youngest son was in 2nd Grade. He came home to tell me that he and a buddy had gone to the school counselor because they didn't like the way kids were being treated on the playground. On the onset it all sounded good until he told me that they had notebooks to record everything that was going wrong! Needless to say I had to teach him quickly about letting the adults manage problems and that there are such things as bullies as it became quite clear that he might meet one on the playground in short order if he kept updating his "behavior log".

We want to do everything right as parents and yet sometimes we miss the simplest lessons. Parenting is more then teaching our kids how to ride a bike, be nice to friends and say please and thank you. It is so much deeper. So much more rewarding.

It's about exposing them to challenges and talking it over with them at dinner. Tonight for example my husband will be humbling himself because he was in a fender bender yesterday and he wasn't on his phone hands free. We have all done it but the opportunity to use a real life example is so much more realistic than talking about someone else's mistakes.

I love that many kids today don't know the difference between black and white. This is so different from our parents generation and even ours. It seems they have nothing to "undo" they just get to see people for who they are versus what color of skin they have. This had to have been accomplished through modeling and choosing our words carefully. It had to be a conscious effort on our part as we parented this generation and decided that we didn't want to carry that torch into this era.

I certainly have much to learn and I am grateful for moments like I had today when I was able to see the beauty in 10 little free minds that wore pink shoes, fancy dresses and couldn't wait to sing about their little gospel light. I love the fact that children often know more than we do and that we are never too old to learn!

Peace in the Present

"Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift - which is why we call it the present".

I woke up early this morning and it is still mysterious outside.

The day is about to unfold and I have no idea what it holds. I feel a certain amount of energy when I stay in the present and yet it is so easy to be pulled in to the "to do's". Perhaps weekends make it easier to be presently focused because they are days like no other.

Growing up, Saturday was a chore day and Sunday was church, Shirley Temple and a roast beef dinner. It seems like the weeks are rolling by faster and faster and Friday seems to almost come too quickly.

Maybe this is because as a parent, over time, we see our little ones go from pushing peas up their nose, to kindergarten, their first dance and then suddenly we are taking them to the secretary of state to get their driver's license.

At the moment, I don't want time to pass quickly.  I want to soak in every moment of the present -
- seeing icicles fall
- skitching on ice with "no tread" shoes
- remembering lavender
- practicing the poetry in my mind
- taking time to listen
- sipping hot coffee in my comfy chair
- wearing polkadot pajamas and knowing that I look ridiculous
- feeling heat around my feet and being glad I am not homeless
- celebrating other people's momentous occasions and making them feel special
- realizing that words aren't always necessary to communicate
- being excited about chapstick and really good hand cream that smells like eucalyptus
- watching the light unfold in my midst

Being present is the gift. It needs no explanation and it doesn't ever beg for forgiveness. It gives us what we need in the moment - if we let it....

Being Real

I've been contemplating what it means to be totally real- no matter what. The thing that came to me is that often times when we are totally "real with ourselves", we feel the most vulnerable with others. Perhaps being vulnerable appears to be weak and yet it is the thing that we know most about on the inside. We all have experienced hurt and what it feels like to be emotionally wounded. And yet through this risk we find deep love.

When we're actually able to be free to be ourselves we have the opportunity to not only share it with others but be exposed for the real way that we have been created. My hope is that as as we all quest for authenticity, we are able to risk being vulnerable in an effort to be real. Perhaps the payoff will be deeper relationships and the willingness to share our truths,our hurts and our fears. Maybe realizing that vulnerability can be a strength might just allow us to loosen the noose of control and give us each a chance to experience deeper connection with those that we love and those that love us!

I have this poem from Virginia Satir hanging in my mud room and I am reminded daily that "all of our parts" are good.


In all the world,
there is no one else exactly like me -
everything that comes out of me is authentically mine,
because I alone choose it - I own everything about me - my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
whether they be to others or to myself -
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears -
I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts -
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know -
but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me -
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do,
and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turned out to be unfitting, I can discard that which I feel is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded -
I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me -
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me -
I am me &
I AM OKAY 

The Color of Hormones

Ok, let's get real. As a woman we have about 2 good weeks a month - one more that is borderline and another that should just take a long winters nap. I am amazed at how we can go from feeling like we are "all that and a bag of chips" to seeing our thighs as fat, our hair is too thin and thinking that there is no way that we will find a cute swimsuit for the summer. We catastrophize, prophesize and fixate on what "is" our size!

I wish I could explain the color of hormones and breath life into the description so that our spouse, family, kids and friends actually got us. The thing I do know as a woman is that we can relate to one another . Men if you are reading this I hope you are able to understand that our emotions are not intended to be hurtful, they just are!

It is so easy to see our deficits and this is especially true during the color blue. Blue represents what some days feel like when we want to stay under the covers and ignore the alarm. It is when we feel the least understood and we identify with loneliness, uncertainty and despair. This seems to hit especially when winter comes and the sun goes down early and stays hidden behind the clouds.

Yellow represents what we throw out when we are on our best behavior and despite all of our efforts to be grumpy, we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and decide to make it a good day, anyway.

Red sets in when we are burning up inside literally or figuratively when we start getting hot flashes in the night. P.S.  I am going to give my 40+ friends a hot tip - Soma makes "Cool Night Pajamas" and they are the bomb!

Silver is knowing that there is still something bright and shiny on the inside but like and old quarter it needs some buffing.

Beige is just a "get me through this day" without being noticed kind of color and it makes it easy to hide our dirt. It kind of comes in handy when you just don't know what to do and it can give pause to the moment when uncertainty sets in.

Orange is the color I want to be- cool, vibrant and alive despite what is going on inside. I like to think that I quest for orange even when I slide on the spectrum.

Green is where I am now. Perhaps green is a metaphor for spring. Imagining when life is more peaceful and certain. I feel like each day I am hopeful and yet I know that struggle is lurking behind the wall to teach me something.

I have often asked God to show me what needs changing in an effort to better myself and my relationships. I am starting to think that asking God what needs to stay the same may be as important, if not more important. Perhaps we learn the most about ourselves and our struggles in the midst of this juxtaposition.

When we are depleted or weepy maybe what we really need is to give ourself permission to snuggle up with a good book instead of doing the dishes. Perhaps a little retail therapy isn't so bad after all!

What I am starting to realize and accept is that the color of hormones isn't something to be loathed but embraced. What if on days when we "really" need a friend we stopped doing laundry and picked up the phone? Did we ever stop and think that maybe it would make that person's day if they had the chance to serve us.

What if instead of saying "how are you?" followed by "fine" we actually said,  "I am sad because I miss my dad today"? What if we were real with ourselves, our lovers, our friends, our family, our God.

Would we be met with surprise, disappointment, acceptance or grace? I know in my heart that those who love us would want to offer the best to us. Do we stop and give anyone the chance to experience all of our places and spaces that make us into such intricate beings?

Sometimes I think we hold back because we are afraid of what other people think. Or perhaps we hold back because others see us a certain way and we are afraid to disappoint them. Well, what if we stopped living out of fear and started to act out of freedom. What if we embraced that we are loved? What if we accepted that the last words that Jesus spoke before ascending into heaven were "I am with you always". What if we realized that we may feel lonely but we are never alone? What if?

Blind vs. blind

I have been compelled to consider if the disabled are more able than we who have all of our senses, limbs or mental capacities. I have been inspired recently to observe that folks with disabilities struggle with the same maladies that we do, including sadness, loss of friendship, low self-esteem and I am sure many others. However, it seems the thing that people with "disabilities" gain that often we who have all of our faculties lose, is appreciation, sensibility, courage and drive.

In driving my friend Michael who has been blind since he was 13 years old due to a brain tumor, I have witnessed the relationships that he has built as a result of being sight challenged. He knows the ladies at the hockey rink and he sits patiently by their side as they check teams in. He listens for the sound of the buzzer instead of seeing hip checks into the boards. He feels his way as he gets into the car, noticing the texture of the seat and the turn of the wheel. He spends the limited money that he earns purchasing small gifts at Target and Toys R Us to give to kids in the hospital.

I have become acutely aware of how much effort it takes just to get a ride to go somewhere because you are blind and yet determination is never lost. My friend who has a prosthetic leg must wonder if she will slip on the ice because she can't actually feel beneath her boot and has to rely solely on her leg that has feeling to guide her steps. In each case it seems that there is less complaining and more appreciation for what I often take for granted.

There is a sense of wonder as the person who supports those who are considered disabled and I am beginning to wonder if we serve more for ourselves or for them. Maybe what we are gaining by stretching out of our comfort zone to help others changes us from the inside out. Maybe we really need each other to create balance and make sense and order out of this chaotic world.

I have noticed myself being more real with Michael and setting boundaries around what I am able to do vs. what I feel obligated to do because I know he needs help getting places. The other day when I picked him up from his neighborhood restaurant to drop him at Toys R Us I was confounded, for a moment. He was particularly sad because he hadn't sold 2 packs of greeting cards that would have allowed him to pay a bill that he owed. My first instinct was to give him the $24 and solve the problem. I then realized by solving one, I would create another.

By giving him the money I would have been creating a gap between us. One that says "I can and you can't". I would have robbed him of being resourceful and perhaps meeting someone who would have enjoyed his beautiful artwork like I did the moment that I met him. I would have been elevating myself to make myself feel better instead of paying attention to his needs.

This reflection has led me to consider how my prompting to work with the disabled will be affected. Will I seem uncaring or naive if I sit on the Disability Network Board if I try and share my voice on my perception? Will I be brave to listen more and speak less? Will I wear the other persons shoes as I so often try and do in my counseling practice?

You see our world creates a sort of wall between "us and them". For example, Michael said he isn't able to find a job once people learn that he is blind. Has it ever occurred to us that people who may lack one sense have extra-ordinary "other" senses. How about street knowledge and being a survivor. How about being resilient and never taking for granted the color purple.

Isn't it possible that the "able" are more disabled because we take for granted the very nature of our creation? Until something doesn't work, we never really know what it is like to go without. Say carrying a plate when you are on crutches, or finding your way through the night when the electricity shuts off. How about seeing someone who you love struggle with deep depression and watching them lose joy in simple things like their grandchildren.

What if we all found ways to express our love and gratitude BEFORE someone gets sick or dies? What if we wrote a love letter to the person we live with to let them know how much we appreciate the fact that they get out of bed every day to bring home a paycheck?

I want to be more able in my disability of busyness. I want to choose happy just because my life is simple. I want to be in prayer of thanksgiving instead of prayer of need. I want to live out of gratitude and the realization that being an American is one of the greatest gifts I have.

I am able. I am free and I am me. God help me with the rest...

Check out this youtube clip - Stella Young - I am not your inspiration, thank you

https://youtu.be/8K9Gg164Bsw

Soul Window

Magnetic Poetry

A Window to the Soul

Inspiration

Inspiration, inspire, to be inspired. How do we get it? I have realized that ever morning we have a choice to live life out loud or let the day pass like any other. I am not an artist but given an opportunity to express myself with a little direction, I find that I am able to do things that I never thought possible. I am not going to quit my day job and open up an art studio or anything, but I will say that each morning that I pass my painting of this peacock feather, I remember that all things are possible.

If I am able to let go of perfection and embrace the idea that there are many ways to express myself I can find freedom in things that are uncomfortable. I never want to miss a moment because I was afraid to try something new.

I choose to take risks, be brave and do things that make a difference.You?

Ask and You Shall Receive

Over the last 2 weeks our pastor has been encouraging us to "ask" God for what we need and he has been ministering to us out of the Gospel of Matthew. During this time I realized that so often I try and sort things on my own first and then when I am really in a jam, I pray.

I began asking more just this week. It was something simple like God leading me to the right devotional page to share with my friend who was in the midst of losing her dad to cancer. The date of February 11 popped into my head so I looked it up. At first I thought that I should send the corresponding date and then I realized that I had just asked, God answered and then I doubted.

So not only is it difficult to ask, I realized I also have a tough time receiving. Why is this true? Is it true for you? I am guessing that in our human nature the root of "letting go" is about control. Maybe it is hard to realize that God cares about the smallest details of my life. Either way when I recount just how God has moved this week, I realize that it has to be His divine intervention and not my own  doing.

So I reflect and I realize that this is the key to any change behavior- positive reinforcement! So here are my recent asks and here are my recent answers.

1) A changed heart so that I would know what to ask for.
2) Encouragement so that I would continue to write - just yesterday a gal from my small group shared that my posts were an inspiration to her
3) I prayed that God would help my business grow.  Just this morning I received a text from a friend who is a doctor in the area and he had reached out to the CEO of the hospital, on my behalf, about the potential of serving as a counselor.
4) A colleague of my husbands reached out to offer me help on connecting with others in the area and she has offered to meet with me about my business start up
5) I walked in to Catholic Human Services and asked if they had area pastor resources and she printed out a page of 100's of contact addresses, names and phone numbers
6) I am following God's lead on working with the disabled and I was asked to meet for lunch with my niece and her colleague who sit on the disability network board. 
7) The perfect devotional

Ask and you shall receive!

He Knows Me...

So tonight at the dinner table, the question for my two sons was something that I was thinking a lot about today: What if God WAS one of us? My son Carson gave an interesting perspective, so I asked him to post it here:

Today, when I was asked what I was thinking about, I had the song "What If God Was One of Us" stuck in my head, I immediately responded by saying the name of the song, my mom decided that she would write her blog post all about it,  and I continued on with my day.

At dinner, the song came back up, and that got me really thinking about it: What if God was one of us? How should it have changed our day? What decisions would we have made differently? What would be the same? After talking for a good three minutes about some minor affects, I had found something: How would we try to impress God? Okay, okay, so maybe we might dust off the old treadmill, or volunteer at a homeless shelter, or even hold the door for a stranger, but those are all attempts to impress Him, and God already knows us for who we are, even better than we do.

Why would you want to impress someone you already know and that knows you, like a best friend or parent? Why should your day be any different? I'm not saying that the day wouldn't be different, (and if you want to know what those differences would be, well, I cannot even begin to imagine) but what I am saying is that God is already with us every single moment of our lives, living with us, laughing with us, being there for us, loving us, so why should your day be any different if He were simply to be in a mortal form? God may be one entity, but he is, and is with, many people. He knows me...He knows you...He knows us...

What if...

This morning it is a snow day in Traverse City and my youngest snuggled up for an extra "sleep-in"  first thing this morning. I asked him what he was thinking about. He said that he was thinking about the song "What If God Was One Of Us".  It made me stop and think, yeah, what if He was?

I quickly turned my sights to how we might all be on better behavior if we knew He was sitting with us. Likely, each and every day we would arm ourselves with nicer words, better actions and deep knowledge that we were protected.

I have always loved the analogy of imagining God sitting in an arm chair in my living room. I kind of have a stately one right now and I can just see His soft robe lingering over the armrest. For some reason Jesus looks like Mel Gibson to me- couldn't be from a movie , eh? I have always liked long dark hair and blue eyes.  Funny how we put God into human perspective when we need to relate.

So what if God was one of us? Part of the song talks about Him "trying to make his way home", on a bus. So simple, yet I can relate. Being ordinary, being extra ordinary.

Each and every day we get a do over. Today I am going to imagine Jesus hanging out in jammies with us on a snow day and perhaps chatting with us about His day at the dinner table. I wonder what His perspective would be on how I love my husband, kids, friends and neighbors. If I did, I am sure I would say "yes" more often, initiate a bit more and soak in beauty without
hesitation.

Today let's imagine that God is in our midst. However, you imagine Him.

Never Forget

Sometimes you don't have to look far for Joyful moments. I just received a video from my old pal in Canada who is honoring my son who is turning 16 this week. It is a trip down memory lane filled with pictures from their youth, a song that brings tears to my eyes from his best friend, and a heartfelt message from each friend that he made while we had 5 amazing years in their awesome country.

Best friends are the bomb! They know what makes you tick, makes you laugh and keeps you from crying. Well, accept when they do something really mushy that opens the flood gates! Best friends are what make getting up in the morning worthwhile because you know you will never have to face it alone!

Some say the grass is greener on the other side but when you really stop to think about it- the grass is green on your side! It doesn't take much to bring on a smile. It's time, energy, a thoughtful gesture. I am in awe of how magnificent God makes a persons heart when it comes to loving others!

Thank you pal!

A New Year, A New Beginning

It's the start of a new year and a new adventure for this papishka. I just opened my counseling practice in Traverse City, Michigan. After being gone from Michigan for over 10 years, it is good to be home!

My office is located on the west bay and I have the pleasure of seeing ducks diving, swans swimming and birds nesting when I look out my window. I joke half way when I say that I won't be abel to live on the water so I will just have to work on it!

It's overwhelming and exciting all at the same time when we start something new. Instead of adding something for a new years resolution, I am just going to trying do what I do best- empower and inspire people!

I am embarking on marketing my new counseling practice and this means brushing up on marketing skills, seeking new ways to meet and greet and importantly being prayerfully considerate of God's plan for my life.

So, if you are trying something new, here are a few things that I have learned that may help you get started.
- Start with what you know and who you know
- Look for area resources like the Chamber of Commerce, local start up business services and local advertising to get the word out
- Network with area professionals by having coffee or lunch
- Be bold and ask people for endorsements and becoming a referral source
- Activate memberships that reach your target audience
- Develop a business plan based on what you "really" want vs. what sounds good
- Checkout Ted Talks for inspiration - (There is one called "Know Your Purpose in 5 Minutes")
- Hammer out letters to area professionals and include business cards - for counseling I am reaching out to doctors, beauticians, nail techs, pastors, school counselors and area professionals
- Spend time with friends exploring your passions and decide what makes you "sing"
- Trust that God's plan is the best plan

I am learning that patience is key and that all good things take time. Instead of being discouraged about all of my "to do's" I am trying to be encouraged at all of my potential opportunities to make a difference. Just yesterday I received an endorsement from a young client that I had worked with over the years when her parents got divorced and it reminded me to focus on my goal which is to "make a difference". When I go to my grave I want to see Jesus smiling and saying "well done my child". A simple but important goal, for a life worth living!

I share her words as a reminder that all of us make a difference to someone!

Dear Kim,

I suffered from anxiety for a long time. Down this road I was going of anxiety, an angel came and stopped me in my tracks. This beautiful angel guided me down this path where I could be free and express myself in any way I wanted to. She showed me that miracles were real and that God can help me through anything. This angel was you Kim.

You helped me so much, with the breathing tricks, to writing out my feelings in a journal. You helped me talking about what I was feeling. The stress I was under was unbearable. I was so worried, and I over thought things until you showed me the way to handle my stress. You invited my parents to help me cope with them. Both my parents and I know how to talk with each other thanks to you.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful years. I’ve gotten so far in life- You are an absolute blessing.

Love,

Alexis