Have you ever woke up with that icky feeling in your gut knowing that you need to apologize to someone? That has happened to me twice this week and it has given me a reason to ponder on why we apologize and what it means when we do.
At the core it is about humility and being able to admit when we are wrong. It shifts responsibility from the one who has been offended to the person who committed the offense. Kind of like leveling the playing field and getting the relationship back to base.
Most of the time we need to apologize because we "acted, thought and then stopped" versus "stop, think and act". Under both circumstances this week if I had thought first I would not have chosen to speak or act.
Someone very dear to me recently said that she has never had to apologize to her mate. The thought of this made me quiver inside. I know her heart and that she is the type that would apologize so the question of "why not" begged for a reason.
I think the main difference between people as it relates to apologies has to do with our view on it. Like forgiveness, apologies are a gift that we give ourselves. It allows us the opportunity to review our intentions and straighten up what is ruffled.
Those who do not say they are sorry either haven't been taught, lack insight into their own wrong doing or God forbid are narcissist. I believe most everyone has good intentions so perhaps just reflecting on our part of the equation is all that it requires when we differ.
To be sorry is not a weakness. In fact, saying "I am sorry" is a strength. It is necessary in all love relationships and without it our hearts would remain broken. Sorry is a powerful word and it should not be spoken without thought, first.
Many people use the word "sorry" like "hello". A common term or one that is used inadvertently out of habit. I am sorry is a gift that should be opened often. It is a form of communication that bridges the gap when we are at odds, it provides insight into another persons heart and it allows us to start all over again.
One of the hardest things to do is to admit we are wrong. It makes us feel vulnerable and perhaps weak. If we were to turn it inside out and view apology as necessary, I wonder where it would get us?
Freedom is the word that comes to mind. It gives us freedom to be real. Freedom to be wrong. Freedom to be you. Freedom to be me and still loved.
The opportunity lies in accepting the apology that you offered, once given. You have to let it go even if the other person doesn't accept your apology or remains wounded. Typically, this is because there is something leftover that needs to be healed, but nonetheless, an apology is the best place to start.
The best way to discern if you need to offer an apology is to identify the feeling that usually resides in your gut, head or heart. For me it is an "icky" feeling that causes me to listen to the chatter in my head, where I replay the offense over and over again. Once I am able to identify my part in the equation of how and why the offense happened I can then decide what to do about it.
The best apology comes person to person but if the timing is more important than the place, then a nice note or email is second best. Admitting that we are wrong upfront allows each of us to take a deep breath and move from where we are, to where we want to go. It also gives the one who has been offended the opportunity to give the gift back. Acceptance.
Once we have shared our heart then we can move on. We can reflect on how to avoid the pitfall in the future and take the learning as an opportunity for personal growth. Slip-ups happen. We are all human. The difference is whether or not we admit it.
Choose love first and we all win! Happy Valentine's Day!
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