The Small Door

In raising children there is a small sliver of time where we actually can penetrate their hearts and minds for the better. There is a diminishing opportunity every day as they age. Look closely as you search for the small door.......................................................................................................................

Topically, I am aware of this truth as I just had the pleasure of teaching ten 4 and 5 year olds this morning at church. Their minds were fiesty and alive - seeking, wondering, enveloping and pursuing what they hadn't already learned.

This was in stark contrast to a young teen man who had already made up his mind last night not to attend church this morning. I am guessing that this is because he has only had the world's view of faith. Nothing real. Not relationship based. Just religion.

As parents we owe it to our kids to teach them about things that matter like manners, chivalry, being open to differing opinions, respect, honor and what is means to be God fearing.

God fearing sounds so negative so let me clarify. What I mean is that we keep things in perspective. That it is not about us. That we appreciate and accept that there is more to life than getting our own needs met. That there is a purpose on this earth for each and every person that breathes life, beyond what we can imagine ourselves.

The only way that our kids are going to miss the difference between "race" and "people" is through modeling. Certainly this will not be accomplished by what they see on television or hear in the media. This is true of politics as well. Imagine if our kids only had CNN or Fox News to learn about leadership.

There is a fine line as a parent to allow your children to learn through the consequences and preparing them to face the consequences. I am always amazed when I am counseling adolescents and their parents are aggravated that they don't clean up their rooms only to find out that they were never expected to do so as a young child. Kids are less amenable the older they get.

We want to raise our children to be independent thinkers and yet it is our duty to expose them to what is true. So where do we get this information?

First, I look to people who have gone before me when it comes to parenting and see what they have yielded. I remember watching our friends Rick and Rita parent their 5 children all who are older than ours. I was amazed that her young boys were retaining their kindness and respect as they grew into young men. I realized early on it was because the expectation was set and from their perspective there was no alternative behavior.

I also learned that the respect was mutual and that they didn't have a holier than though attitude that they wielded over their children. They admitted mistakes, walked humbly and had Christ at the center.

I also have looked to tried and true methods starting with good parenting plans like Choice Theory and Love and Logic. Both methods of parenting provided a road map for my husband and I to operate from when we realized that the doctor had not sent home an instruction manual when we brought our boys home from the hospital. Well, I do remember her telling me not to finish my kids mac n' cheese to fend off losing the baby weight - that was good advice.

Modeling is such a big hairy deal! Everything we do our kids will either do or remember. So take going to church for example, when they are young isn't it up to us to get out of bed and get cute clothes on for church and make our way to hear about news that we can use? Today while I was teaching the kids in their small group the sermon was on building our house on rock versus sand. I can tell you that this will be one podcast that I will be listening to over a glass of wine or coffee before tomorrow morning.

We all quest for what is good but what about what is right and true? No matter what your religion the basic tenets of moral values run through most faith sectors. Shouldn't we give our kids a fighting chance to see what we have learned or teach them what is available if we haven't?

Personally, I am not comfortable in an overly charismatic environment or one where people are pushing me to believe in "their" perspective. I want something a bit more solid and I certainly am not going to put my keys in the offering plate because some man at the altar says that God wants me to. I do however want my kids to know that there are false prophets out there and many people will act like god but have no business representing Him.

As a parent I am obligated to vet out what is being taught and I am convinced that while well intentioned not all people have the right motives in mind. So, how do we know?

Listen, listen and listen. If it doesn't sound right then it probably isn't. Ask, ask and ask again. Find out what your kids are being taught at school or church and teach them to question or confront something if it isn't right. Make sure that you as a parent are creating an environment where they are not afraid to be wrong and they are willing to risk exploring their ideas.

I am taking a laugh break right now because this one came back to bite me when my youngest son was in 2nd Grade. He came home to tell me that he and a buddy had gone to the school counselor because they didn't like the way kids were being treated on the playground. On the onset it all sounded good until he told me that they had notebooks to record everything that was going wrong! Needless to say I had to teach him quickly about letting the adults manage problems and that there are such things as bullies as it became quite clear that he might meet one on the playground in short order if he kept updating his "behavior log".

We want to do everything right as parents and yet sometimes we miss the simplest lessons. Parenting is more then teaching our kids how to ride a bike, be nice to friends and say please and thank you. It is so much deeper. So much more rewarding.

It's about exposing them to challenges and talking it over with them at dinner. Tonight for example my husband will be humbling himself because he was in a fender bender yesterday and he wasn't on his phone hands free. We have all done it but the opportunity to use a real life example is so much more realistic than talking about someone else's mistakes.

I love that many kids today don't know the difference between black and white. This is so different from our parents generation and even ours. It seems they have nothing to "undo" they just get to see people for who they are versus what color of skin they have. This had to have been accomplished through modeling and choosing our words carefully. It had to be a conscious effort on our part as we parented this generation and decided that we didn't want to carry that torch into this era.

I certainly have much to learn and I am grateful for moments like I had today when I was able to see the beauty in 10 little free minds that wore pink shoes, fancy dresses and couldn't wait to sing about their little gospel light. I love the fact that children often know more than we do and that we are never too old to learn!

Peace in the Present

"Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift - which is why we call it the present".

I woke up early this morning and it is still mysterious outside.

The day is about to unfold and I have no idea what it holds. I feel a certain amount of energy when I stay in the present and yet it is so easy to be pulled in to the "to do's". Perhaps weekends make it easier to be presently focused because they are days like no other.

Growing up, Saturday was a chore day and Sunday was church, Shirley Temple and a roast beef dinner. It seems like the weeks are rolling by faster and faster and Friday seems to almost come too quickly.

Maybe this is because as a parent, over time, we see our little ones go from pushing peas up their nose, to kindergarten, their first dance and then suddenly we are taking them to the secretary of state to get their driver's license.

At the moment, I don't want time to pass quickly.  I want to soak in every moment of the present -
- seeing icicles fall
- skitching on ice with "no tread" shoes
- remembering lavender
- practicing the poetry in my mind
- taking time to listen
- sipping hot coffee in my comfy chair
- wearing polkadot pajamas and knowing that I look ridiculous
- feeling heat around my feet and being glad I am not homeless
- celebrating other people's momentous occasions and making them feel special
- realizing that words aren't always necessary to communicate
- being excited about chapstick and really good hand cream that smells like eucalyptus
- watching the light unfold in my midst

Being present is the gift. It needs no explanation and it doesn't ever beg for forgiveness. It gives us what we need in the moment - if we let it....

Being Real

I've been contemplating what it means to be totally real- no matter what. The thing that came to me is that often times when we are totally "real with ourselves", we feel the most vulnerable with others. Perhaps being vulnerable appears to be weak and yet it is the thing that we know most about on the inside. We all have experienced hurt and what it feels like to be emotionally wounded. And yet through this risk we find deep love.

When we're actually able to be free to be ourselves we have the opportunity to not only share it with others but be exposed for the real way that we have been created. My hope is that as as we all quest for authenticity, we are able to risk being vulnerable in an effort to be real. Perhaps the payoff will be deeper relationships and the willingness to share our truths,our hurts and our fears. Maybe realizing that vulnerability can be a strength might just allow us to loosen the noose of control and give us each a chance to experience deeper connection with those that we love and those that love us!

I have this poem from Virginia Satir hanging in my mud room and I am reminded daily that "all of our parts" are good.


In all the world,
there is no one else exactly like me -
everything that comes out of me is authentically mine,
because I alone choose it - I own everything about me - my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
whether they be to others or to myself -
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears -
I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts -
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know -
but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me -
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do,
and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turned out to be unfitting, I can discard that which I feel is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded -
I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me -
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me -
I am me &
I AM OKAY 

The Color of Hormones

Ok, let's get real. As a woman we have about 2 good weeks a month - one more that is borderline and another that should just take a long winters nap. I am amazed at how we can go from feeling like we are "all that and a bag of chips" to seeing our thighs as fat, our hair is too thin and thinking that there is no way that we will find a cute swimsuit for the summer. We catastrophize, prophesize and fixate on what "is" our size!

I wish I could explain the color of hormones and breath life into the description so that our spouse, family, kids and friends actually got us. The thing I do know as a woman is that we can relate to one another . Men if you are reading this I hope you are able to understand that our emotions are not intended to be hurtful, they just are!

It is so easy to see our deficits and this is especially true during the color blue. Blue represents what some days feel like when we want to stay under the covers and ignore the alarm. It is when we feel the least understood and we identify with loneliness, uncertainty and despair. This seems to hit especially when winter comes and the sun goes down early and stays hidden behind the clouds.

Yellow represents what we throw out when we are on our best behavior and despite all of our efforts to be grumpy, we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and decide to make it a good day, anyway.

Red sets in when we are burning up inside literally or figuratively when we start getting hot flashes in the night. P.S.  I am going to give my 40+ friends a hot tip - Soma makes "Cool Night Pajamas" and they are the bomb!

Silver is knowing that there is still something bright and shiny on the inside but like and old quarter it needs some buffing.

Beige is just a "get me through this day" without being noticed kind of color and it makes it easy to hide our dirt. It kind of comes in handy when you just don't know what to do and it can give pause to the moment when uncertainty sets in.

Orange is the color I want to be- cool, vibrant and alive despite what is going on inside. I like to think that I quest for orange even when I slide on the spectrum.

Green is where I am now. Perhaps green is a metaphor for spring. Imagining when life is more peaceful and certain. I feel like each day I am hopeful and yet I know that struggle is lurking behind the wall to teach me something.

I have often asked God to show me what needs changing in an effort to better myself and my relationships. I am starting to think that asking God what needs to stay the same may be as important, if not more important. Perhaps we learn the most about ourselves and our struggles in the midst of this juxtaposition.

When we are depleted or weepy maybe what we really need is to give ourself permission to snuggle up with a good book instead of doing the dishes. Perhaps a little retail therapy isn't so bad after all!

What I am starting to realize and accept is that the color of hormones isn't something to be loathed but embraced. What if on days when we "really" need a friend we stopped doing laundry and picked up the phone? Did we ever stop and think that maybe it would make that person's day if they had the chance to serve us.

What if instead of saying "how are you?" followed by "fine" we actually said,  "I am sad because I miss my dad today"? What if we were real with ourselves, our lovers, our friends, our family, our God.

Would we be met with surprise, disappointment, acceptance or grace? I know in my heart that those who love us would want to offer the best to us. Do we stop and give anyone the chance to experience all of our places and spaces that make us into such intricate beings?

Sometimes I think we hold back because we are afraid of what other people think. Or perhaps we hold back because others see us a certain way and we are afraid to disappoint them. Well, what if we stopped living out of fear and started to act out of freedom. What if we embraced that we are loved? What if we accepted that the last words that Jesus spoke before ascending into heaven were "I am with you always". What if we realized that we may feel lonely but we are never alone? What if?

Blind vs. blind

I have been compelled to consider if the disabled are more able than we who have all of our senses, limbs or mental capacities. I have been inspired recently to observe that folks with disabilities struggle with the same maladies that we do, including sadness, loss of friendship, low self-esteem and I am sure many others. However, it seems the thing that people with "disabilities" gain that often we who have all of our faculties lose, is appreciation, sensibility, courage and drive.

In driving my friend Michael who has been blind since he was 13 years old due to a brain tumor, I have witnessed the relationships that he has built as a result of being sight challenged. He knows the ladies at the hockey rink and he sits patiently by their side as they check teams in. He listens for the sound of the buzzer instead of seeing hip checks into the boards. He feels his way as he gets into the car, noticing the texture of the seat and the turn of the wheel. He spends the limited money that he earns purchasing small gifts at Target and Toys R Us to give to kids in the hospital.

I have become acutely aware of how much effort it takes just to get a ride to go somewhere because you are blind and yet determination is never lost. My friend who has a prosthetic leg must wonder if she will slip on the ice because she can't actually feel beneath her boot and has to rely solely on her leg that has feeling to guide her steps. In each case it seems that there is less complaining and more appreciation for what I often take for granted.

There is a sense of wonder as the person who supports those who are considered disabled and I am beginning to wonder if we serve more for ourselves or for them. Maybe what we are gaining by stretching out of our comfort zone to help others changes us from the inside out. Maybe we really need each other to create balance and make sense and order out of this chaotic world.

I have noticed myself being more real with Michael and setting boundaries around what I am able to do vs. what I feel obligated to do because I know he needs help getting places. The other day when I picked him up from his neighborhood restaurant to drop him at Toys R Us I was confounded, for a moment. He was particularly sad because he hadn't sold 2 packs of greeting cards that would have allowed him to pay a bill that he owed. My first instinct was to give him the $24 and solve the problem. I then realized by solving one, I would create another.

By giving him the money I would have been creating a gap between us. One that says "I can and you can't". I would have robbed him of being resourceful and perhaps meeting someone who would have enjoyed his beautiful artwork like I did the moment that I met him. I would have been elevating myself to make myself feel better instead of paying attention to his needs.

This reflection has led me to consider how my prompting to work with the disabled will be affected. Will I seem uncaring or naive if I sit on the Disability Network Board if I try and share my voice on my perception? Will I be brave to listen more and speak less? Will I wear the other persons shoes as I so often try and do in my counseling practice?

You see our world creates a sort of wall between "us and them". For example, Michael said he isn't able to find a job once people learn that he is blind. Has it ever occurred to us that people who may lack one sense have extra-ordinary "other" senses. How about street knowledge and being a survivor. How about being resilient and never taking for granted the color purple.

Isn't it possible that the "able" are more disabled because we take for granted the very nature of our creation? Until something doesn't work, we never really know what it is like to go without. Say carrying a plate when you are on crutches, or finding your way through the night when the electricity shuts off. How about seeing someone who you love struggle with deep depression and watching them lose joy in simple things like their grandchildren.

What if we all found ways to express our love and gratitude BEFORE someone gets sick or dies? What if we wrote a love letter to the person we live with to let them know how much we appreciate the fact that they get out of bed every day to bring home a paycheck?

I want to be more able in my disability of busyness. I want to choose happy just because my life is simple. I want to be in prayer of thanksgiving instead of prayer of need. I want to live out of gratitude and the realization that being an American is one of the greatest gifts I have.

I am able. I am free and I am me. God help me with the rest...

Check out this youtube clip - Stella Young - I am not your inspiration, thank you

https://youtu.be/8K9Gg164Bsw

Soul Window

Magnetic Poetry

A Window to the Soul

Inspiration

Inspiration, inspire, to be inspired. How do we get it? I have realized that ever morning we have a choice to live life out loud or let the day pass like any other. I am not an artist but given an opportunity to express myself with a little direction, I find that I am able to do things that I never thought possible. I am not going to quit my day job and open up an art studio or anything, but I will say that each morning that I pass my painting of this peacock feather, I remember that all things are possible.

If I am able to let go of perfection and embrace the idea that there are many ways to express myself I can find freedom in things that are uncomfortable. I never want to miss a moment because I was afraid to try something new.

I choose to take risks, be brave and do things that make a difference.You?

Ask and You Shall Receive

Over the last 2 weeks our pastor has been encouraging us to "ask" God for what we need and he has been ministering to us out of the Gospel of Matthew. During this time I realized that so often I try and sort things on my own first and then when I am really in a jam, I pray.

I began asking more just this week. It was something simple like God leading me to the right devotional page to share with my friend who was in the midst of losing her dad to cancer. The date of February 11 popped into my head so I looked it up. At first I thought that I should send the corresponding date and then I realized that I had just asked, God answered and then I doubted.

So not only is it difficult to ask, I realized I also have a tough time receiving. Why is this true? Is it true for you? I am guessing that in our human nature the root of "letting go" is about control. Maybe it is hard to realize that God cares about the smallest details of my life. Either way when I recount just how God has moved this week, I realize that it has to be His divine intervention and not my own  doing.

So I reflect and I realize that this is the key to any change behavior- positive reinforcement! So here are my recent asks and here are my recent answers.

1) A changed heart so that I would know what to ask for.
2) Encouragement so that I would continue to write - just yesterday a gal from my small group shared that my posts were an inspiration to her
3) I prayed that God would help my business grow.  Just this morning I received a text from a friend who is a doctor in the area and he had reached out to the CEO of the hospital, on my behalf, about the potential of serving as a counselor.
4) A colleague of my husbands reached out to offer me help on connecting with others in the area and she has offered to meet with me about my business start up
5) I walked in to Catholic Human Services and asked if they had area pastor resources and she printed out a page of 100's of contact addresses, names and phone numbers
6) I am following God's lead on working with the disabled and I was asked to meet for lunch with my niece and her colleague who sit on the disability network board. 
7) The perfect devotional

Ask and you shall receive!

He Knows Me...

So tonight at the dinner table, the question for my two sons was something that I was thinking a lot about today: What if God WAS one of us? My son Carson gave an interesting perspective, so I asked him to post it here:

Today, when I was asked what I was thinking about, I had the song "What If God Was One of Us" stuck in my head, I immediately responded by saying the name of the song, my mom decided that she would write her blog post all about it,  and I continued on with my day.

At dinner, the song came back up, and that got me really thinking about it: What if God was one of us? How should it have changed our day? What decisions would we have made differently? What would be the same? After talking for a good three minutes about some minor affects, I had found something: How would we try to impress God? Okay, okay, so maybe we might dust off the old treadmill, or volunteer at a homeless shelter, or even hold the door for a stranger, but those are all attempts to impress Him, and God already knows us for who we are, even better than we do.

Why would you want to impress someone you already know and that knows you, like a best friend or parent? Why should your day be any different? I'm not saying that the day wouldn't be different, (and if you want to know what those differences would be, well, I cannot even begin to imagine) but what I am saying is that God is already with us every single moment of our lives, living with us, laughing with us, being there for us, loving us, so why should your day be any different if He were simply to be in a mortal form? God may be one entity, but he is, and is with, many people. He knows me...He knows you...He knows us...

What if...

This morning it is a snow day in Traverse City and my youngest snuggled up for an extra "sleep-in"  first thing this morning. I asked him what he was thinking about. He said that he was thinking about the song "What If God Was One Of Us".  It made me stop and think, yeah, what if He was?

I quickly turned my sights to how we might all be on better behavior if we knew He was sitting with us. Likely, each and every day we would arm ourselves with nicer words, better actions and deep knowledge that we were protected.

I have always loved the analogy of imagining God sitting in an arm chair in my living room. I kind of have a stately one right now and I can just see His soft robe lingering over the armrest. For some reason Jesus looks like Mel Gibson to me- couldn't be from a movie , eh? I have always liked long dark hair and blue eyes.  Funny how we put God into human perspective when we need to relate.

So what if God was one of us? Part of the song talks about Him "trying to make his way home", on a bus. So simple, yet I can relate. Being ordinary, being extra ordinary.

Each and every day we get a do over. Today I am going to imagine Jesus hanging out in jammies with us on a snow day and perhaps chatting with us about His day at the dinner table. I wonder what His perspective would be on how I love my husband, kids, friends and neighbors. If I did, I am sure I would say "yes" more often, initiate a bit more and soak in beauty without
hesitation.

Today let's imagine that God is in our midst. However, you imagine Him.

Never Forget

Sometimes you don't have to look far for Joyful moments. I just received a video from my old pal in Canada who is honoring my son who is turning 16 this week. It is a trip down memory lane filled with pictures from their youth, a song that brings tears to my eyes from his best friend, and a heartfelt message from each friend that he made while we had 5 amazing years in their awesome country.

Best friends are the bomb! They know what makes you tick, makes you laugh and keeps you from crying. Well, accept when they do something really mushy that opens the flood gates! Best friends are what make getting up in the morning worthwhile because you know you will never have to face it alone!

Some say the grass is greener on the other side but when you really stop to think about it- the grass is green on your side! It doesn't take much to bring on a smile. It's time, energy, a thoughtful gesture. I am in awe of how magnificent God makes a persons heart when it comes to loving others!

Thank you pal!

A New Year, A New Beginning

It's the start of a new year and a new adventure for this papishka. I just opened my counseling practice in Traverse City, Michigan. After being gone from Michigan for over 10 years, it is good to be home!

My office is located on the west bay and I have the pleasure of seeing ducks diving, swans swimming and birds nesting when I look out my window. I joke half way when I say that I won't be abel to live on the water so I will just have to work on it!

It's overwhelming and exciting all at the same time when we start something new. Instead of adding something for a new years resolution, I am just going to trying do what I do best- empower and inspire people!

I am embarking on marketing my new counseling practice and this means brushing up on marketing skills, seeking new ways to meet and greet and importantly being prayerfully considerate of God's plan for my life.

So, if you are trying something new, here are a few things that I have learned that may help you get started.
- Start with what you know and who you know
- Look for area resources like the Chamber of Commerce, local start up business services and local advertising to get the word out
- Network with area professionals by having coffee or lunch
- Be bold and ask people for endorsements and becoming a referral source
- Activate memberships that reach your target audience
- Develop a business plan based on what you "really" want vs. what sounds good
- Checkout Ted Talks for inspiration - (There is one called "Know Your Purpose in 5 Minutes")
- Hammer out letters to area professionals and include business cards - for counseling I am reaching out to doctors, beauticians, nail techs, pastors, school counselors and area professionals
- Spend time with friends exploring your passions and decide what makes you "sing"
- Trust that God's plan is the best plan

I am learning that patience is key and that all good things take time. Instead of being discouraged about all of my "to do's" I am trying to be encouraged at all of my potential opportunities to make a difference. Just yesterday I received an endorsement from a young client that I had worked with over the years when her parents got divorced and it reminded me to focus on my goal which is to "make a difference". When I go to my grave I want to see Jesus smiling and saying "well done my child". A simple but important goal, for a life worth living!

I share her words as a reminder that all of us make a difference to someone!

Dear Kim,

I suffered from anxiety for a long time. Down this road I was going of anxiety, an angel came and stopped me in my tracks. This beautiful angel guided me down this path where I could be free and express myself in any way I wanted to. She showed me that miracles were real and that God can help me through anything. This angel was you Kim.

You helped me so much, with the breathing tricks, to writing out my feelings in a journal. You helped me talking about what I was feeling. The stress I was under was unbearable. I was so worried, and I over thought things until you showed me the way to handle my stress. You invited my parents to help me cope with them. Both my parents and I know how to talk with each other thanks to you.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful years. I’ve gotten so far in life- You are an absolute blessing.

Love,

Alexis