Shadow Self

There is a shadow side of self. Often tucked deep inside only to be revealed when we are down, vulnerable, ashamed or broken. It is the part that shows its true colors when we least expect it. It's the part we want to avoid sharing with others, but in truth, we must.

We must have a partner, friend and a relationship with God to manage the battle inside. In reflecting on how the shadow side operates it comes as a sneak attack when you least expect it. It's when you think everything in your relationship is hunky dory and then you realize that deep inside you are lacking the true ability to love and be loved.

It's an emptiness that cannot be filled by people, places or things. It's a place that only God can fill.

Several times in my relationship I have come across this deep despair where I find myself looking for my spouse to fulfill my needs. Each time I pursue this endless endeavor I am reminded that he was not designed to fulfill my needs.

Today I was reading "Jesus Calling" and of course, in true God form the message hit me square between the eyes. I knew that I couldn't fix my eyes on my self or my husband and intellectually I knew it was spiritual. The thing I didn't know was how to get to the center and once I got there I wasn't sure what I was looking for.

It learned that it comes down to 2 words - Trust and thankfulness. Trust is a choice. One we have to make thousands of times a day. The problem is that we are usually trying to trust ourselves or someone else. This kind of trust that I am talking about is believing that the answers that I have pale in comparison to what God has in store for me. It is trusting that His love for me is enough and that He will provide me with what I need to love others.

Thankfulness or gratitude is about focusing on what we have more than what we don't. It reduces our mind time in the negative and moves us to the positive. It forces the shadow self to be quiet!

Today I am going to stop taking my own advice of thinking that if I try hard enough I will have what it takes to be good enough. I am going to try and live in the center, where peace reigns.

Apology Accepted

Have you ever woke up with that icky feeling in your gut knowing that you need to apologize to someone? That has happened to me twice this week and it has given me a reason to ponder on why we apologize and what it means when we do.

At the core it is about humility and being able to admit when we are wrong. It shifts responsibility from the one who has been offended to the person who committed the offense. Kind of like leveling the playing field and getting the relationship back to base.

Most of the time we need to apologize because we "acted, thought and then stopped" versus "stop, think and act". Under both circumstances this week if I had thought first I would not have chosen to speak or act.

Someone very dear to me recently said that she has never had to apologize to her mate. The thought of this made me quiver inside. I know her heart and that she is the type that would apologize so the question of "why not" begged for a reason.

I think the main difference between people as it relates to apologies has to do with our view on it. Like forgiveness, apologies are a gift that we give ourselves. It allows us the opportunity to review our intentions and straighten up what is ruffled.

Those who do not say they are sorry either haven't been taught, lack insight into their own wrong doing or God forbid are narcissist. I believe most everyone has good intentions so perhaps just reflecting on our part of the equation is all that it requires when we differ.

To be sorry is not a weakness. In fact, saying "I am sorry" is a strength. It is necessary in all love relationships and without it our hearts would remain broken. Sorry is a powerful word and it should not be spoken without thought, first.

Many people use the word "sorry" like "hello". A common term or one that is used inadvertently out of habit. I am sorry is a gift that should be opened often. It is a form of communication that bridges the gap when we are at odds, it provides insight into another persons heart and it allows us to start all over again.

One of the hardest things to do is to admit we are wrong. It makes us feel vulnerable and perhaps weak. If we were to turn it inside out and view apology as necessary, I wonder where it would get us?

Freedom is the word that comes to mind. It gives us freedom to be real. Freedom to be wrong. Freedom to be you. Freedom to be me and still loved.

The opportunity lies in accepting the apology that you offered, once given. You have to let it go even if the other person doesn't accept your apology or remains wounded. Typically, this is because there is something leftover that needs to be healed, but nonetheless, an apology is the best place to start.

The best way to discern if you need to offer an apology is to identify the feeling that usually resides in your gut, head or heart. For me it is an "icky" feeling that causes me to listen to the chatter in my head, where I replay the offense over and over again. Once I am able to identify my part in the equation of how and why the offense happened I can then decide what to do about it.

The best apology comes person to person but if the timing is more important than the place, then a nice note or email is second best. Admitting that we are wrong upfront allows each of us to take a deep breath and move from where we are, to where we want to go. It also gives the one who has been offended the opportunity to give the gift back. Acceptance.

Once we have shared our heart then we can move on. We can reflect on how to avoid the pitfall in the future and take the learning as an opportunity for personal growth. Slip-ups happen. We are all human. The difference is whether or not we admit it.

Choose love first and we all win! Happy Valentine's Day!

Change is Inevitable

I just attended a Grand Traverse Woman network lunch and I had the pleasure of hearing Anne Bonney (http://www.annebonney.com/) speak about change. Her thoughts and input were spot on!

It made me reflect on how change can be interpreted differently and it sparked a thought about how we can do it well.

First and foremost, we have to accept that change is inevitable. Secondly, we will never truly be comfortable with change.

Most days we get up on the same side of the bed and follow a daily routine. There are those days where everything gets turned upside down and it is usually the result of change. Perhaps a change in family status- you're pregnant. A change in job status- you're fired. A change in your health.

One way or another there is a moment that we all have to face change and the difference between us is whether or not we embrace the change ahead of us. If we are prone to anxiety this could potentially be paralyzing and cause us to sit in a stupor. We might not choose change but it will choose you.

If we have a bend toward adventure, change can be exciting, illuminating almost like a thrill ride, say a bungie jump. The thing is we don't realize what we are getting ourselves into, until we jump.

So how do we marry fear and joy all under the umbrella of change? I would say one step at a time.

Don't get so far ahead of yourself that you miss the moment - stay presently focused.

Remember your previous success and how you moved through change historically and how you can recognize the emotion of fear that eventually led to victory.

Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You are unique and your story is just as important. Invalidation of ourselves is a game changer and it will never lead to soul peace.

Do your homework. Don't assume you know how to do something just because you have done it before. Ask questions. Talk to someone who has gone before you. Accept that you won't be perfect.

Facilitate change because it is what you are being called to do. Even when it is scary, the road ahead can be mastered. Nothing worth pursuing ever came easy.

In my life journey the times that I have had the biggest challenge in front of me were the times that I actually grew the most. I am sure there have been times when my decisions seemed wrong to others, but nonetheless they were mine.

We grow from experience and we learn through change and that risk is inevitable. If we want to experience more abundance in our relationships we have to go through the eye of the hurricane. If we want to get promoted to that next level in our jobs we have to pretend we know more than we actually do. If we want to live life out loud we have to get off of the couch and move toward something.

Change is actionable. Change is risky. Change is inevitable. Embrace it!

Commonly Misunderstood

As a woman living in a home with 3 males to include one adult (my hubby) and two rising teens (my sons age 13 and 16) I am astutely aware of the differences between males and females.

Let's just start with movies - romantic comedies vs. action. Or how about topics of conversation - feelings and cars. Or how about sex vs. intimacy.

Well, I need not tell you that we were not created equally and yet we must have been designed  to bring out the best in one another. I am not convinced that we should live together but I am convinced that God brought us together to keep us on our knees.

I have often joked that God must have been kidding when He put men and women in the same four walls and that it was His way of making sure that we depend on Him for our needs to be met, instead of each other.

My best friend and I sometimes joke that if it weren't for the fact that we aren't attracted to one another that we should be married. We negotiated that we should have a giant house with a family room and master suite in the middle to get together with our spouses when the moment is right. Aside from that, the bathroom and kitchen are our game and they would always be clean.

Just tonight I introduced my family to Brene' Brown on Ted X and the topic of Vulnerability. They obliged and listened attentively, well, until they got up, but none the less they were available to be with me. That was followed by each of us picking an artist and lyrics to sing - karaoke style.  My youngest picked David Bowie as he is the latest phenomenon since passing and I picked Sarah McLaughlin "Push" and "Answer" which are two songs that resonated with me while traveling in Zambia. My oldest picked a song that had a lot to do with saying "no" instead of "yes"  - teenager? I think yes...

In each of these songs there was a message about how we need each other and how we interpret our roles and relationships differently. I am convinced that we will never figure each other out and yet there seems to be a level of acceptance in this notion.

I think I will just keep getting girl dogs and pretending to be understood by my awesome men!

Contrast

One is go

One is slow

Each one beautiful, in its own right.

Same town,
different place.

One
suggests,
it's not a race.

Forgiveness, I think?

Is forgiveness a universal term no matter what you believe about faith? Is it something that even my dog understands after he has done something wrong and I affirm him by the look in my eyes?  Is it up to the person who offers forgiveness or the one who receives it that needs to move on once it is given? Or is it both?

What is it? Is it just simply that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and so we are forgiven? Is it grace woven in so that we can actually forgive ourselves? Is it a choice, a decision? Is it a gift that we give ourselves in addition to offering it to others?  Is it possible to understand forgiveness, if you do not walk by faith?

The answer is yes, I think.

Let's dive in to each of these to see what shakes out.

1) What is it? According to Webster here goes the simple definition of forgiveness...

- to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong)
- to stop feeling anger about something
- to stop requiring payment

2) Is it just simply that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and so we are forgiven?  In "The Message Bible there are a bazillion pieces of scripture around forgiveness and grace but I chose this one as I think it lends itself to what we are uncovering today. This comes from Romans 3: 23-24.

God Has Set Things Right

"Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ."

3) Is it grace woven in so that we can actually forgive ourselves? The grace part comes from understanding that it is a "pure gift". 

4) Is it a choice, a decision? Yes. Yes and Yes. Action follows thought. If we don't think it first, we can't do it.

5) Is it a gift that we give ourselves in addition to offering it to others? Every time we choose to forgive we are actually taking the weight off of our shoulders and shifting it to God. We relinquish control. We decide that we can no longer carry it on our own and therefore, we are giving ourselves a gift of freedom.

6) Is it possible to understand forgiveness, if you do not walk by faith? I don't know if we can fully understand forgiveness, whether we walk by faith or not. It is a pretty huge concept and I imagine some of the scholars get it more than we do. I guess it comes down to practice when it comes down to actually receiving forgiveness.  If we do not walk by faith I think we can still do it and hopefully allow God to use the circumstances to draw us closer to Him.

I am working with a couple right now and they don't have a relationship with Christ but they get the concept of forgiveness and they sure need it right now. I can see that they are in desperate pain and that shy of forgiveness it will be difficult for them to move on.

The point of forgiveness has to be based on moving from where we are now to something bigger, something better and something that we cannot do on our own. Almost magical. When we reflect on the times in our lives where pain was at the center it is usually forgiveness or grace that got us through. In one of my most painful times of life I had a looming issue that I was sure was unforgivable. I held it for years.

One day in the midst of a church service where we were singing,  something miraculous happened. I imagined Jesus standing at the cross just waiting on me. I fought him, in that I kept wanting to take back my shame, hang on to it, not let it go. But I had to. It was a weight around my neck. Something that I had held and carried for almost 20 years. Something I never thought I could let go of. And then it happened. After the struggle, I actually saw myself lay my shame at the foot of the cross. I laid down all of the thoughts, lies and ridicule that I had carried for so many years. I released what wasn't mine to carry. I had received forgiveness.

We have all made mistakes. We have all wished we could have a do over in our relationships. We have all been forgiven.


Here is an exercise that helps us all on our forgiveness journey.

Write a letter(s) as follows. Don't worry about mailing it. Just write. Then decide to share it or destroy or tuck it away for another day to decide.
Dear  x, I forgive you for.....
Dear self, I forgive myself for....
Dear God, Please forgive me for....

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Learning Through Disappointment

Disappointment can teach us something that success can't. It reminds us that we are human and that loss is real. It provides contrast to an otherwise ordinary day. It gives us context to show us that hard work can pay off and that good things come to those who wait.

The perspective of loss is probably the hardest part, not the actual loss itself. When we are brave and risk getting out of our comfort zone we often have to face failure. This is where the rubber hits the road. If we are not afraid to fail then we will never be afraid to try.

Perhaps this is where "survival of the fittest" kicks in. Everyone of us has failed but many have not stopped to learn the lesson from the loss. I have had anxiety over not being able to finish a task and at times this has caused me to over-function. It is almost like I write a script where I feel like I will get everything finished, except the thing that matters the most. For example, I have never been a runner but it would be like doing a marathon and quitting at mile 25. 

I realize this dates back to a work scenario over 24 years ago where while working on a project, I took a break to visit with my "crush" - now my husband to help him hang pictures in his new office. When my boss found out that I was "lolly gagging" it was as if everything that had gone before me was meaningless. All of the hard work that I had put in to completing this very laborious project was lost in the last moments of me taking a break. I felt like a failure.

This script is something that I have carried with me and it seems to rear its ugly head when I doubt myself. I was reminded of this today when I spoke to a friend who is trying to get on TedX to do a Ted Talk on being a comedian. Her topic is one that we can all relate to and yet she was met with disappointment. The message she was hoping to convey was about bravery, public speaking and being willing to go out on a limb. Her message was about pursuing your dreams and not being afraid to live out loud.

As I tried to provide empathy in her loss, I realized that learning truly does come through the disappointment. It is about stretching out more and being willing to rush the stage. It is about not stopping at "no" and being willing to go through the back door to get our needs met. 

I have only felt defeated a few times in my life and I think that is mostly due in part to not being afraid to try new things. Even when I don't hit the ball out of the park, I am still glad that I tried.  I owe this in part to my parents who never doubted that I could do anything. They failed to mention that failure  was a possibility. As a result, I never feared trying.

I wonder if all of the people that came before us who did or created great things learned from failure - my guess is yes. I perceive the opportunity is in the thinking. If we believe that effort equates to success we may be less inclined to worry about the outcome. Perhaps risk-taking and daring to believe that "we can" should be the goal, instead of the perceived outcome.