The ...Dot, Dot, Dot Experience

Sometimes we don't get to pick what happens in our days. Wait- we never really get to pick since we only know the moment we are in. I have had what I call the ...  (dot, dot, dot) experience of my life as my son has not been feeling well for about 5 days. My ... experience has included kisses on the forehead to take his temp, fluffing pillows, drawing a bath, snuggle bugging on the couch and checking in to see how I can serve him.

I realized this blessing in the midst of having "a plan" that got dissed when I woke up this morning. The plan was to clean the house, do laundry and generally get things back in order after a weekend of guests. I still feel compelled to try and get it done but I know that my pull to over-function is my way of managing anxiety. I have the opportunity to serve and be still and when I do it, it is one of my greatest joys.

There will always be something competing for our attention- the phone that rings, the dryer that dings the dogs that bark. In the quiet still of unexpected moments, we get to decide the ...

Home in My Heart

There is something so sweet
being known
a gentle breeze without a home

It creeps up in the still of the night
realizing there is nothing to fight

Shadow self gets to rest
and be in peace
despite the guest

Love so deeply without a fear
a juxtaposition rarely dear

Fighting for a place to be
wiggling in my skin to see-
what will be
and
what I am
deep within this desperate land

A place to hide
in cuddled arms
feeling her peace with little harm

Memories move me far from space
a gentle side of this life in race

I sink into my little girl
sitting quietly while I wait...

hoping my entry is not too late

When I Grow Old

When I grow old I want to be remembered for.........

living life out loud, going broke from fun, spontaneous trips to see old friends, phone calls when you needed it, picnics on Fridays, bringing people to Christ, laughing, loving deeply, making good food, giving cards when you least expect it, making a difference in my community, listening, teaching people how to communicate, never criticizing, loving my kids for who they are meant to be, having a great marriage, showing up, being trustworthy, speaking my truth in love, getting better vs. older, being wise, working hard, never giving up, being willing to learn, making eye contact, stopping to revel in nature, feeding birds, not swearing, talking to strangers, helping animals, being intuitive, having a home instead of a house, thriving instead of surviving, serving at church, being a great daughter, stopping to pick up trash, having wrinkles from smiling too much, being myself, loving myself and sharing myself!

Shadow Self

There is a shadow side of self. Often tucked deep inside only to be revealed when we are down, vulnerable, ashamed or broken. It is the part that shows its true colors when we least expect it. It's the part we want to avoid sharing with others, but in truth, we must.

We must have a partner, friend and a relationship with God to manage the battle inside. In reflecting on how the shadow side operates it comes as a sneak attack when you least expect it. It's when you think everything in your relationship is hunky dory and then you realize that deep inside you are lacking the true ability to love and be loved.

It's an emptiness that cannot be filled by people, places or things. It's a place that only God can fill.

Several times in my relationship I have come across this deep despair where I find myself looking for my spouse to fulfill my needs. Each time I pursue this endless endeavor I am reminded that he was not designed to fulfill my needs.

Today I was reading "Jesus Calling" and of course, in true God form the message hit me square between the eyes. I knew that I couldn't fix my eyes on my self or my husband and intellectually I knew it was spiritual. The thing I didn't know was how to get to the center and once I got there I wasn't sure what I was looking for.

It learned that it comes down to 2 words - Trust and thankfulness. Trust is a choice. One we have to make thousands of times a day. The problem is that we are usually trying to trust ourselves or someone else. This kind of trust that I am talking about is believing that the answers that I have pale in comparison to what God has in store for me. It is trusting that His love for me is enough and that He will provide me with what I need to love others.

Thankfulness or gratitude is about focusing on what we have more than what we don't. It reduces our mind time in the negative and moves us to the positive. It forces the shadow self to be quiet!

Today I am going to stop taking my own advice of thinking that if I try hard enough I will have what it takes to be good enough. I am going to try and live in the center, where peace reigns.

Apology Accepted

Have you ever woke up with that icky feeling in your gut knowing that you need to apologize to someone? That has happened to me twice this week and it has given me a reason to ponder on why we apologize and what it means when we do.

At the core it is about humility and being able to admit when we are wrong. It shifts responsibility from the one who has been offended to the person who committed the offense. Kind of like leveling the playing field and getting the relationship back to base.

Most of the time we need to apologize because we "acted, thought and then stopped" versus "stop, think and act". Under both circumstances this week if I had thought first I would not have chosen to speak or act.

Someone very dear to me recently said that she has never had to apologize to her mate. The thought of this made me quiver inside. I know her heart and that she is the type that would apologize so the question of "why not" begged for a reason.

I think the main difference between people as it relates to apologies has to do with our view on it. Like forgiveness, apologies are a gift that we give ourselves. It allows us the opportunity to review our intentions and straighten up what is ruffled.

Those who do not say they are sorry either haven't been taught, lack insight into their own wrong doing or God forbid are narcissist. I believe most everyone has good intentions so perhaps just reflecting on our part of the equation is all that it requires when we differ.

To be sorry is not a weakness. In fact, saying "I am sorry" is a strength. It is necessary in all love relationships and without it our hearts would remain broken. Sorry is a powerful word and it should not be spoken without thought, first.

Many people use the word "sorry" like "hello". A common term or one that is used inadvertently out of habit. I am sorry is a gift that should be opened often. It is a form of communication that bridges the gap when we are at odds, it provides insight into another persons heart and it allows us to start all over again.

One of the hardest things to do is to admit we are wrong. It makes us feel vulnerable and perhaps weak. If we were to turn it inside out and view apology as necessary, I wonder where it would get us?

Freedom is the word that comes to mind. It gives us freedom to be real. Freedom to be wrong. Freedom to be you. Freedom to be me and still loved.

The opportunity lies in accepting the apology that you offered, once given. You have to let it go even if the other person doesn't accept your apology or remains wounded. Typically, this is because there is something leftover that needs to be healed, but nonetheless, an apology is the best place to start.

The best way to discern if you need to offer an apology is to identify the feeling that usually resides in your gut, head or heart. For me it is an "icky" feeling that causes me to listen to the chatter in my head, where I replay the offense over and over again. Once I am able to identify my part in the equation of how and why the offense happened I can then decide what to do about it.

The best apology comes person to person but if the timing is more important than the place, then a nice note or email is second best. Admitting that we are wrong upfront allows each of us to take a deep breath and move from where we are, to where we want to go. It also gives the one who has been offended the opportunity to give the gift back. Acceptance.

Once we have shared our heart then we can move on. We can reflect on how to avoid the pitfall in the future and take the learning as an opportunity for personal growth. Slip-ups happen. We are all human. The difference is whether or not we admit it.

Choose love first and we all win! Happy Valentine's Day!

Change is Inevitable

I just attended a Grand Traverse Woman network lunch and I had the pleasure of hearing Anne Bonney (http://www.annebonney.com/) speak about change. Her thoughts and input were spot on!

It made me reflect on how change can be interpreted differently and it sparked a thought about how we can do it well.

First and foremost, we have to accept that change is inevitable. Secondly, we will never truly be comfortable with change.

Most days we get up on the same side of the bed and follow a daily routine. There are those days where everything gets turned upside down and it is usually the result of change. Perhaps a change in family status- you're pregnant. A change in job status- you're fired. A change in your health.

One way or another there is a moment that we all have to face change and the difference between us is whether or not we embrace the change ahead of us. If we are prone to anxiety this could potentially be paralyzing and cause us to sit in a stupor. We might not choose change but it will choose you.

If we have a bend toward adventure, change can be exciting, illuminating almost like a thrill ride, say a bungie jump. The thing is we don't realize what we are getting ourselves into, until we jump.

So how do we marry fear and joy all under the umbrella of change? I would say one step at a time.

Don't get so far ahead of yourself that you miss the moment - stay presently focused.

Remember your previous success and how you moved through change historically and how you can recognize the emotion of fear that eventually led to victory.

Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You are unique and your story is just as important. Invalidation of ourselves is a game changer and it will never lead to soul peace.

Do your homework. Don't assume you know how to do something just because you have done it before. Ask questions. Talk to someone who has gone before you. Accept that you won't be perfect.

Facilitate change because it is what you are being called to do. Even when it is scary, the road ahead can be mastered. Nothing worth pursuing ever came easy.

In my life journey the times that I have had the biggest challenge in front of me were the times that I actually grew the most. I am sure there have been times when my decisions seemed wrong to others, but nonetheless they were mine.

We grow from experience and we learn through change and that risk is inevitable. If we want to experience more abundance in our relationships we have to go through the eye of the hurricane. If we want to get promoted to that next level in our jobs we have to pretend we know more than we actually do. If we want to live life out loud we have to get off of the couch and move toward something.

Change is actionable. Change is risky. Change is inevitable. Embrace it!

Commonly Misunderstood

As a woman living in a home with 3 males to include one adult (my hubby) and two rising teens (my sons age 13 and 16) I am astutely aware of the differences between males and females.

Let's just start with movies - romantic comedies vs. action. Or how about topics of conversation - feelings and cars. Or how about sex vs. intimacy.

Well, I need not tell you that we were not created equally and yet we must have been designed  to bring out the best in one another. I am not convinced that we should live together but I am convinced that God brought us together to keep us on our knees.

I have often joked that God must have been kidding when He put men and women in the same four walls and that it was His way of making sure that we depend on Him for our needs to be met, instead of each other.

My best friend and I sometimes joke that if it weren't for the fact that we aren't attracted to one another that we should be married. We negotiated that we should have a giant house with a family room and master suite in the middle to get together with our spouses when the moment is right. Aside from that, the bathroom and kitchen are our game and they would always be clean.

Just tonight I introduced my family to Brene' Brown on Ted X and the topic of Vulnerability. They obliged and listened attentively, well, until they got up, but none the less they were available to be with me. That was followed by each of us picking an artist and lyrics to sing - karaoke style.  My youngest picked David Bowie as he is the latest phenomenon since passing and I picked Sarah McLaughlin "Push" and "Answer" which are two songs that resonated with me while traveling in Zambia. My oldest picked a song that had a lot to do with saying "no" instead of "yes"  - teenager? I think yes...

In each of these songs there was a message about how we need each other and how we interpret our roles and relationships differently. I am convinced that we will never figure each other out and yet there seems to be a level of acceptance in this notion.

I think I will just keep getting girl dogs and pretending to be understood by my awesome men!